I HEART You
by Frosty Pig
Summary: It was this kind of commitment that showed Naruto was less of a lover and more of a stalker. NaruSasu. AU.
1. The Crotch Region Has A Wonderful Scent

**I "HEART" You**  
_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto _

:)-(:

It was this kind of commitment that showed Naruto was less of a lover and more of a stalker.

:(-):

Naruto knew that this was wrong.

On some level he was begging to be caught because there was no way in this or any alternate universe that he was going to be able to walk out and climb back down his ladder without a broken nose. But the almighty hamper that was in his beloved's bathroom held the treasure that was both forbidden and enticing. A piece of bliss that belonged on heaven's pedestal.

The bastard's briefs smelled like what God would use as cologne. Naruto breathed in deep, pressing the soft fabric to his nose.

It was... amazing.

Like a high he hadn't felt since the party at Kiba's.

How he had carried a ladder across the street without anyone noticing, he didn't know. All Naruto could possibly _know_ was that he was lucky. Honestly, he should get a lottery ticket before sneaking back to his own house. He'd win for sure and with Sasuke's underwear in his pocket, he'd win millions.

Stuffing the piece of dirty laundry into his pants he quickly slid out of the bathroom. No one was in the hall. _Sweet. _It was the night where the whole Uchiha family had dinner. Which was odd because Naruto was certain that not a single Uchiha liked to talk to another Uchiha.

Their family ways was a mystery to him.

Swiftly, Naruto switched to tip-toe mode, shuffling down the hallway into Sasuke's room where his top-secret exit was in place.

"I _cannot_ believe you would embarrass this family, Itachi!" Naruto's heart exploded. He looked to the walls and was relieved to see that none of the bits from his organ were anywhere to be seen.

_You assholes! You're not supposed to be home yet!_

Naruto tried to move his feet.

"I simply asked Uncle Madara to quit looking like some starving _dog_." Naruto heard Itachi reply very quietly. _So creepy._

Sasuke's older brother was not normal.

Itachi was always hanging off of his brother. On his Sasuke; and no way in Hell was that acceptable. _He was like some weird-ass perv._Taking a breath, Naruto rushed into Sasuke's room and successfully managed to not trip on the countless books that were piled to the ceiling.

He had to get to his ladder, it was his only way out and if he was caught... Naruto could easily imagine the whole family getting in a good punch before they threw him to his house. Then Sarutobi would finish the job.

_Do not vomit, do not vomit, do not puke in Sasuke's room..._

Failure was not an option. The word 'fail' wasn't even listed in his own personal dictionary. For the Great Uzumaki could save a damsel and put out a fire all at once.

Something downstairs broke and Naruto took the opportunity to shove the squeaking window open. _God help me if they notice..._

The whole Uchiha family had the hearing of a bat.

With a leg out the window and the hope that no, he would not be caught—that tonight was the night of pure luck. But then Naruto heard what he feared the most—

Someone was coming up the stairs. And those feet sounded like a certain bastard.

Naruto had two choices; jump and somehow not shatter his knee caps or be seen leaving his friend's room in the middle night with a pocket full of used undies. It was an easy choice.

As he fell from a second story window Naruto quickly wished on one of those bright and sparkly stars that he would be able to run away as soon as he landed. Was there a bush to land on? Or was this the side of the house with the rock garden? Naruto could already feel the broken bones.

Though it was not the side of the house with the large bushel of plant, it was thankfully not the side with the sharp and pointed rocks.

_Grass... Great..._

Naruto's back stung and he could feel that he had definitely twisted _something_ in his body. He had to move, run as fast as he can without being seen because Naruto heard himself land. It had been loud and for sure that freaky Uchiha family in the house had heard. That _thud_ had been _damn_ loud.

"Idiot?"

"_Yeah?_"

"Were you in my room?"

Though he wanted to deny this to his death—which was coming sooner and sooner with the pain he was in—he could only cough.

Naruto heard footsteps and soon Sasuke's head was in his vision. And then a foot connected with his already aching side. He yearned to smack the bastard in his shin.

"You all right, Uzumaki?"

A moment and then Naruto choked out

"_Homework_..."

Another kick to his side.

"Could have just called, dumbass."

:)-(:

Why did Itachi say that to Madara? Hmmm...  
I like Naruto being the guy who is so in love with someone that he does completely creepy things. It's just fun to me. Also his total disrespect for everyone makes me smile. He's just a big goofy guy.  
And Sasuke calling Naruto a 'dumbass' is just hilarious to me.


	2. Advice Gets Freezer Burn If Left to Boil

**I "HEART" You**  
_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto _

:)-(:

It was this kind of commitment that showed Naruto was less of a lover and more of a stalker.

:(-):

"Hey, Sakura-chan. How do you ask someone out?"

"You _know_ how, Naruto. You've been trying to get me to go to this dump of a restaurant since we were five. You hit your head or something?" Sakura bit back, "And you asked me out today to go here, what the Hell?!" Though it did indeed sound like Naruto was the reigning king of dumb-dumbs, he was in no way talking about a friendly-non-sexual date.

And the restaurant was by far much better than Sakura was making it sound. There were tablecloths. Tablecloths always signaled to elegance and high society.

"No! No!" He waved his tan hands quickly in front of his face. Sakura moved her glass away from his hysterical movements.

She was always one to avoid a scene.

"I'm talking about... you know." Here he could feel his own face burn. Thinking about his ideal partner always made him go stiff. Naruto glanced at his pink-haired companion and saw that she did not 'know' what he was trying to allude to. How it wasn't obvious after such a long time made Naruto think he was the smarter of the two.

"Look, just say it. Don't go all wimpy on me." Sakura sighed.

Now, Naruto was no wimp. He could take a punch and kick to the gut better than anyone else he had ever known. But to actually ask such an awkward question to an old crush was plain... well, awkward.

"You know! Kiss-Kiss. Bang-Bang!" He bumped his fists together repeatedly.

"Good lord, Naruto. You are so dumb." She looked more bewildered than her first time being publicly confessed to by a certain spandex-wearing Lee. Sakura leaned in across the table, Naruto could see her pores more clearly than he had ever wanted to. She really needed to get more soap to rub into her face. _So many little mounds of dirt!_

"If you're talking about me, you are going about it in such the wrong way that I may have to slap you in the face. And, honestly? This is super unromantic. And by super I mean as 'super' as Superman."

"I'm not talking about you! Since when did I say 'Sakura, please go down on me'?!" The slap afterwards was deserved, Naruto knew he was going to get beaten up by this little meeting.

"I just need some pointers. This is a very _delicate_ situation I'm in right now. And I thought..." Here he paused to give a look he knew would work, "... that the most beautiful girl I knew could help me."

It worked. Naruto wished more than anything that he could high five someone.

Or even himself.

He was just that damn excited.

"Fine. What do you want to know?" Though his 'look' had worked she sounded as annoyed as before.

"How to slip it into conversation?"

"Naruto, you're not a subtle person. You should just be straight forward," Sakura started to look angry, "And by the way, you were never subtle with me. You always yelled across the classroom to ask me out!"

"That was a long time ago though!" Naruto tried to back up to what he _really_ wanted to talk about.

Sakura, though, was unrelenting.

"Who is it, Naruto? We know all the same people, so who's the one that has you all nervous and more obnoxious than usual?"

Naruto and Sakura were a pair that knew the same exact people. They had been together much too long for it not to be like that. But to pinpoint who it was that had won his manly heart was something Naruto would refuse to the death. Telling Sakura anything remotely related to romance was like sending an email to everyone with obscene descriptions.

So, the only option was to lie. At least until he had actually gotten the smug ass to go out with him.

"You don't know the person."

"Of course I do. You have the social life of two. Me and Sasuke-kun. Are you saying it's someone that neither Sasuke-kun nor I know?" Could she make him sound more like a loner? Naruto had more friends than just them. Sure not a lot more, but there were more!

"No you don't. And Sasuke sure as hell doesn't!" If Sasuke did know he would more than likely not allow Naruto anywhere near his house, let alone his room.

Plus, Itachi would probably castrate him. And to lose that part of himself would be a Greek tragedy.

Sakura waved down the waiter for the check.

"What, you're leaving?! You didn't even give me any advice!"

Sakura placed her share of the bill on the table before glaring at Naruto.

"Just be yourself, Naruto. This person will either like you or not, and there is no point in continually beating a dead horse. Just ask."

Sakura left and Naruto really wished he had better friends at that moment.

But, if that's what she thought was best, he might as well just try it.

**:)-(:**

The phone was the best invention, better than television or porn. The small device allowed him to be personal without ever having to look anyone in the eyes. Naruto could just imagine Sasuke's own dark eyes and how they only ever looked at him like he was some idiot.

But now was the time to change such an attitude. Sasuke would soon be looking at Naruto with a gaze that clearly said, _'Please touch me there!_'

Naruto had fantasized for hours upon hours night and day picturing what his friend would look like doing certain naughty activities that involved someone on their knees with their mouth pried open...

_Must make call! Do not put hand in pants!_

Wiping the sweat from his forehead and grabbing his cell phone, Naruto quickly dialed a number he knew by heart.

"_Yeah?_" It was Sasuke. That deep voice was...

It made Naruto uncomfortable in such a great way.

And that great way had grown _something_ much too much to be able to talk.

_Too embarrassing, gotta hang up before he notices who called._

All he could do was breathe into the receiver and think how Sasuke was just on the other end, listening.

Though Naruto had promised himself he would never do something like what he was about to do, the temptation was too much.

"_Hello? Who is wasting my time?_"

Naruto stuck his hands down his pants and Heaven quickly descended upon himself.

"_Uzumaki?_"

:)-(:

So, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a movie and if you haven't seen it, go watch it now!  
It has Robert Downey Jr. in it.  
Sakura may seem a bit too rough around the edges but I like her with some self-esteem.  
And boy did this story get dirty towards the end or what?!


End file.
